how to Overcome the fear in love

Overcome the fear in love

We can be deceived, abandoned, loaded with obligations, to which we are not ready ... In the depths of our love, there are always fears. How much they interfere with us depends on our inner confidence.

Basic Ideas

Any relationship is accompanied by fears. We are waiting for understanding, love, and care. And just as much afraid of not getting what you want.

Distorted perception of even neutral actions of the partner shows how rejecting.

It is important to note the mistakes in the relationship and to understand their cause.

You can build confidence and get rid of fears in a couple if you remember that we are creating a relationship together, and learn how to take an active position.

Some who enter into relationships on tiptoe, others live under the yew of jealousy, the third almost do not breathe, so as not to frighten off the lover. There are strong fears that embrace us, like water or flame, are almost imperceptible. But they are always here and are inseparable from love. "Our fears show how important relations are to us," says Tatyana Potemkina, a systemic family psychotherapist. - We are vitally important to the closeness to the significant other.

We enter into a love affair with a set of expectations, fantasies, and hopes aimed at a partner. We are waiting for acceptance and understanding, closeness and appreciation, love and care. It is important for us to confirm our value and uniqueness in the eyes of someone whom we consider to be close. And in the same way, we are afraid not to get so passionately desired. "

Therefore, the fear of being rejected or abandoned, unnecessary or insignificant, unloved or controlled, not meeting the aspirations of a partner or being a loser in his eyes always goes hand in hand with our expectations.

ACCEPT RISK



"A lot of young people come to me for advice," says psychoanalyst Catherine Odiber, "and most of them are afraid of suffering because of the wrong choice of partner." In patients of adulthood, other fears: to remain alone, to undergo manipulation, domination, treason ... We forget that love is always a risk, because love contains the possibility of loss. We must accept this in order to be able to love. "


In the offices of psychologists, there are many stories of deception with a bitter conclusion: "I will not fall for this bait." They add stories about how the two did not open each other, fearing betrayal, illusions that allow not to meet face to face with our reality and the reality of another, about abandoning love for fear that it will not be eternal.

INGREDIENT IN CHILDHOOD

"The relationship of love can rightfully be called an adult attachment, to which a person strives all his life," Tatyana Potemkina said. How successful our search will turn out depends on the history of adult relationships, but primarily on the early experience of communicating with the mother.

The child's ability to feel secure in moments of loneliness determines how he will love in the future. "Without this security, the fear of loneliness will make it more likely to build a relationship with another person on the basis of need than on desire," said child psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, author of "The Ability to Be Alone."

Distorted perception of relationships engenders the world where even neutral partner actions are perceived as rejecting

"If the main adult was unavailable, or dangerous, or unpredictable at those times when the child needed it, then fear is born that the very close relationships can be unsafe and involve pain and disappointment," the therapist continues. "Unreliable affection is an eternal doubt as to whether I need another, whether I have the right to care, or whether I must tirelessly do something to earn love. Or should always be on guard to run away from suffocating relationships, where there is no place for my needs. "

Distorted perception of relations creates an unsafe world where even neutral partner actions are perceived as rejecting or threatening. And the threat forces us to defend or attack, so conflicts and frustration are inevitable.

LOOK UP REPEATS

With insecure attachment, we constantly return to childhood experiences. At the same time, fear of attachment is extremely rarely recognized by us to the fullest, Tatyana Potemkina stresses: "We react to the danger of rejection by protective feelings - shame, anger or resentment directed at a partner. The familiar mechanism gives a sensation, albeit painful, but predictable. " Hence the repeated cycles of mutual misunderstanding in pairs.

"I spent whole days in caring for the house and children," recalls Yevgenia, 42, whose situation Tatyana Potemkina considers quite common. - And when my husband came back, I wanted to talk to him. He was sitting at the computer. It seemed to me that they did not appreciate me, it was insulting, and I showered him with reproaches until he exploded. "

Only after psychotherapy, Evgenie realized that she was moved by the fear of rejection, which originated in her children's family: parents were averse to praise and often absent. Her husband, 42-year-old Yury, also made an opening for himself: "I realized that I can not say that I'm tired and I need time to come to my senses. It's like being the weakling that my father despised. "

"In every meeting, there are obvious and hidden elements," says Gestalt therapist Yves Meresse. - It is in that which is hidden that unresolved problems of attachment will again be played out. The need to pay attention to how we were loved to notice what is repeated in our effective, present. "

BECOME ACTIVE PERSON

When we identify fears, we get the opportunity to resist them. Awareness is that grain of sand that can jam the gears of a machine that repeats negative scenarios. What type of partner am I looking for? What in my behavior creates a problem for me or for a relationship? What is repeated: excessive jealousy, emotional or sexual addiction, gaps on my initiative or on the initiative of a partner?

It is useful to identify what we lack, and what we need, and without shame and guilt to admit these needs

These questions require us to become the protagonist of our history. 39-year-old Bella, who called herself a "serial brooch", decided to "pump up" her independence, as we pump up the muscles.

"Instead of looking for another friend who will heal my wounds, I thought about what I like doing, with whom I like to communicate, and made a program to feel good alone. I practiced her year. At first, it was difficult, as if I was weaned from addiction, and then it became nice to do something good for myself. For a year now I have met with a terrific person, we continue to live separately, and so far it suits me very well. "

It is useful to identify what we lack, and what we need, and without shame and guilt to admit these needs - first of all to ourselves, and then, perhaps, to the partner. Some people dare share their fears. "If we dare to express them, realizing that we have confidence in our partner, this strengthens the sense of closeness and, therefore, of security," notes Yves Meress.


BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH DOUBT


Change the attachment style and build confidence in the pair is possible, says Tatiana Potemkina: "Most of us are able to realize our emotional reactions and act thoughtfully. We learn to understand ourselves and others, to sympathize with the fact that we can have different views, try to accept differences. We learn to help each other not only with activity, but also empathy - that is, understanding the emotional state of the partner. "

Relationships are a two-way process. Changing the attitude to the partner in a more open and sincere, we change ourselves. the partner becomes for us a living person with his own strengths and weaknesses, and not an omnipotent parent figure, to which there is always an occasion to make claims or claims.

Sometimes we manage to do this in an already existing pair. But sometimes we go through a long way of searching before we find someone who really suits us.

Here is the story of 53-year-old Nina: "Love for me has always been, if not a war, something like a tug of war. Until I met Vitali, who became my third husband. His kindness and generosity disarmed me. For the first time, I feel trust. Not to him or to myself separately, but to us as to the whole, and that's the difference. "

Indeed, remember that we create a relationship together, and learn how to take an active stance - the most faithful of the existing means to rid yourself of fear of yourself and your partner.

the main relationship goals are that the person find someone she can trust someone who can backup her on bad situations